Monday, October 03, 2005

Help! Get me away from this horrid post!

Commonly referred to as:
The Quest of the Golden Fleece

Narrator # 1~ The first hero in Europe who undertook a great journey was the leader of the Quest of the Golden Fleece.

Narrator #2~ It was of course a journey by water. Rivers, lakes, and seas were the only highways.

Narrator # 1~ High courage was necessary to travel, especially outside of Greece. No story proved this fact better than the account of what the heroes suffered who sailed on the ship ‘Argo’ to find the Golden Fleece.

Narrator # 2~ This tale begins with a Greek king named Athamas. He got tired of his wife, put her away, and married another, the Princess Ino.

Narrator # 1~ Nephele, the first wife, was afraid for her two children, especially the boy, Phixus.

Nephele~ Ino, I know her too well. Somehow she will try to kill All My Children…*Play music from All My Children*…so her son will inherit the kingdom. She won’t succeed. But what shall I do?

Ino~ I’m obsessed. I need power. I’ve got to think!!! I’ve got it! *Play sound effect from Scooby Doo*

Narrator # 2~ Determined to bring about the boy’s death, Ino somehow got possession of all the seed-corn so there would be no harvest.

Narrator #1~ The king sent a messenger to ask the oracle why his crop wasn’t growing. Ino bribed the messenger to say…

Messenger~ The oracle says the corn won’t grow unless you offer nicely to give your son as a sacrifice.

Narrator # 2~ The people threatened by starvation forced the king to agree to agree with the oracle.

Narrator # 1~ When the children were brought to the altar a wondrous ram with a fleece of pure gold snatched the boy and his sister up and bore them away through carbon dioxide and oxygen and other gasses such as regular, premium, and unleaded…TAMI!

Narrator # 2~ While they were crossing the straight the girl named, Helle, slipped by accident into the water. She drowned…no biggie. The straight was named for her, the Sea of Helle, Hellespont.

Narrator # 1~ The boy came softly to land on the country of Colchis. The king, Æetes, let him marry one of his daughters.

Narrator # 2~ Phrixus, the boy, sacrificed the ram that saved him to Zeus in gratitude. He gave the precious Golden Fleece to King Æetes.

Narrator # 1~ Phrixus had an uncle who was supposed to be a king in Greece but had had his kingdom taken away from him by his nephew, Pelias.

Narrator # 2~ Phrixus’s uncle’s son, Jason, the rightful heir to the kingdom had been secretly sent away to a place of safety. When Jason grew up he boldly came back to claim the kingdom from his wicked cousin.

Narrator # 1~ The jerk Phelias had been told by an oracle…
Tape recording of oracle (No idea what it said)

Narrator # 2~ One day a guy with long, dark, kinky hair came to town with one tennis shoe on. Phelias heard of this and…

Phelias~ Where did you come from, some Mythology book or something?

Townsperson~ You really should go to a General Hospital for that foot. I mean really! Pee-U!

Jason~ I’m your cus’; my name’s Jason. I’ve come to take back my turf. So, if you be a good boy and not play with your knives and spheres, I will think about letting you hang around.

Narrator # 1~ Point of information, Phrixus died, you know, the guy on the golden ram. Go on…

Phelias~ Okay. I’ll agree to your terms, but one thing must first be done. Your dead cousin, Phrixus, who died wants his spirit and the Golden Fleece of some also deceased ram brought back home. But I’m too old for that kind of stuff.

Jason~ Oh, you’re over the hill. So you want me to go on this quest of the Golden Fleece. Sounds intriguing. Okay, I’ll go.

Narrator # 2~ Phelias wanted Jason to go because he believed no one could retrieve the fleece and come back alive. Therefore Phelias wanted Jason dead.

Narrator # 1~ Many other men met Jason’s challenge. The comrades set sail on the ship Argo, Great perils lay before the Argonauts.

Narrator # 2~ Jason was thrilled to death at the thought of a Great Adventure. All the son’s of gods, as well as the grandsons joined the crew. They set sail on the ship "The Argo" *Play music from the Love Boat*

Narrator # 1~ As they went on their way they met grave dangers. Their first adventure was on the island of Lemnos, where women’s lib is dominant…very dominant.

Narrator # 2~ Little by little the crew lessened. The first to go was Hercules, he was looking for his armor-bearer and left the crew.

Narrator # 1~ Their next adventure was with the Harpies. The ‘Argonauts’ found a man, Phineus by name, who was blind but could see only the future. The sons of the wind could help him.

Pheneus~ Hey man, how about lending me a hand? There are two Harpies that won’t get off my back, so could you take care of them?

Sons of North Wind~ Sure, man.

Narrator # 2~ The sons of North Wind followed the Harpies but were forbidden to kill them. Phineus gave the Argonauts some advice.

Pheneus~ Watch out for the clashing rocks. Let a dove go through. If the dove makes it, so will you, if it doesn’t don’t go through.

Narrator # 1~ Meanwhile, in Olympus, Hera and Cupid had a big consultation.

Hera~ Hey Cupid. You know that cheatin’ Son of a ______ hubby of mine? He’s gonna win this stupid bet, unless you help me. Ya know that chick, Medea? Give her a little push toward Jason.

Cupid~ Sure, baby. Anything for you.

Narrator # 2~ Finally Jason and the Argonauts got to Colchins. *Love Boat music again* They were greeted gaily. Until the king heard Jason came for the Golden Fleece.

Narrator # 1~ Medea, blinded by love, tries to help Jason. She betrays her father.

Narrator # 2~ Medea’s father, the king, placed a restriction on Jason. The restrictions were to slaughter two hunks of a bull and plow the field with them. He also had to pitch the teeth of a dragon into the dirt. Which would at once spring up into an army of armed men. These men would have to be blown into smithereens.

Jason~ Piece of cake.

Narrator # 1~ Madea, Jason’s true love, came to the rescue with a charm to make Jason invincible.

Madea~ Here I come to save the day!

Narrator # 1~ And of course Jason, being as wonderful and marvelous as he is, did it all without a hitch.

Narrator # 2~ The king went back to the palace planning treachery against the heroes vowing they should never have the fleece. But Hera, being on their side as she was, sent Madea bewildered with love and misery to sail with Jason.

Narrator # 1~Once they started sailing, the bad, bad king found out what happened and sent Madea’s evil brother, Apsyrtus, in pursuit of the bunch.

Narrator # 2~ Madea saved them once again by killing her brother by a stab in the back. After Madea made hamburger out of her brother and threw it into the wide, open ocean, they continued on their journey. *Love Boat music*

1st Argonaut~ T. Z. I. A O.

2nd Argonaut~ What the Hellespont does that mean? I’m not in the mood for any jokes, so spit it out, okay?

1st Argonaut~ Thank Zeus it’s almost over!

2nd Argonaut~ Oh brother!

Jason~ Calm down! We still have to hit Crete.

Madea~ Talus lives there! The last man left of the ancient Bronze race.

Jason~ Oh, you mean that ugly bronze dude? Except, he is deformed because his ankle isn’t bronzed and he could be killed that way!

Madea~ Oh my Zeus! There he is! You know, you’re right, he is a dog. (DROP TO KNEES) Hades, come and destroy him. You’ve got to…because he’ll kill us with his looks alone! *Scooby Doo music*

Talus~ Araaahhhhhh! I just grazed my ankle…(FALLS DOWN DEAD) *Scooby Doo music*

Narrator # 2~ The Argonauts got onto land to freshen up. Then they set sail again. They reached Greece and slipped. They all returned to their homes. *Triumphant music*

Narrator # 1~ Jason, with Madea, took the Golden Fleece to Pelias. But they found that Pelias had done naughty things. Pelias had forced Jason’s father to commit suicide and Jason’s mother died of grief.

Jason~ Madea, what am I gonna do? Mommy and Daddy just kicked the bucket!

Madea~ I know what to do. *Dramatic music and change of scenery* You’re the daughters of Pelias. Right?

1st Daughter~ Of course, Stupe.

Madea~ Shut up! I just wanted to make sure I didn’t tell this secret to the wrong people.

2nd Daughter~ Really…what secret?

Madea~ I know how to make the old young again.

1st Daughter~ How?

Narrator # 1~ To prove her words, she cut up an old ram and put it into a pot of boiling H2O.

Medea~ Your mother wears army boots, your father lays eggs. (Chant this twice and wave arms) TADA! (Garfield pops out of pot)

2nd Daughter~ That’s totally hot!

1st Daughter~ Gee, that’s swell!

2nd Daughter~ You know what?

1st Daughter~ What?

2nd Daughter~ Daddy would like to be young again, I bet.

Madea~ I’ll give him a sleeping pill. Then you guys can cut him into little, tiny bits.

1st Daughter~ Sounds sensash!

2nd Daughter~ Gee, let’s do it! I’m hip!

1st Daughter~ Marvy! Okay.

Narrator # 2~ He went to sleep and they cut him up.

1st Daughter~ Bring him to a boil and let’s go get Madea to say that keen chant again.

1st and 2nd Daughter (Looking around and shouting) Madea! Madea!

2nd Daughter~ She’s nowhere to be seen.


Jason~ What suckers! They just slaughtered their father and are boiling him and don’t even realize that they are going to be hung for the murder of their father.

Madea~ Can you imagine trying to explain that in court?


Narrator # 1~ A couple of years have passed. Madea now has two kids.

Narrator # 2~ Jason, who thinks he was so hot, married someone else.

Narrator # 1~ Madea, like a psycho, killed Jason’s wife.

Narrator # 2~ And Jason lost his cool.

Narrator # 1 and # 2~ Tune in tomorrow for another exciting episode of ‘All My Gods’ when you hear Jason say…

Jason~ What? They’re mine??!!@